Vulnerability

"masculinity" and ranting back at the algorithm...

this is not combat. its camaraderie.

This is a slight departure from what I usually focus on but it has been bugging me…

I own a gym. I practice jiujitsu (although not very much as of late) I own and occasionally enjoy shooting guns. I have read a bit of stoic philosophy. I’m a straight white guy with a beard and a shaved head.

The algorithm has opinions about me, about what content I should be served.

And, surprisingly enough, Substack has served up some of the worst Andrew Tate wannabe bullshit I have ever seen. I truly hope that 90% of it is AI, grifters trying to engage in fan service – but I know there are real people out there, real people writing, and real people reading.

One common idea that I simply can’t get out of my brain is the relationship to the idea of vulnerability. The opinion in the space seems to be that “modern” men are told be vulnerable to appease women and that the entire idea of being vulnerable is counter to heart of masculinity.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

The meta nature of this argument is a little too on the nose – but I guess I can’t shake it because I have seen it work. I have met too many young men who share this adolescent view of vulnerability – and occasionally it has been my job to disabuse them of that notion.

Hiding your weakness is a child’s answer. It is cleaning your room by stuffing your closet. It is a focus on how you are seen, not any actual substance or process.

Actions speak louder than words, and regardless of what they say – these people are eaters, not hunters.

They want to be not to do.

Like a kid who wants to be a millionaire but thinks “working hard” is for poor people.

“Victory” for this type of person is about being seen wining, not growth or actual improvement of themselves, and definitely not helping others (unless, of course, it is properly and publicly attributed, “liked” and subscribed)

In every endeavor I have participated in, vulnerability is the key to growth. To change you must first recognize that you need to change. That part of you is not as you wish it would be, a place that you are exposed and feel like you can be harmed.

Exposure. And adaptation.

That is my profession. Add patience, honesty, communication, and individuals you trust, and you have the ingredients for progress and partnership.

I started doing jiujitsu because I couldn’t practice it alone. Progress in jiujitsu is about finding vulnerabilities, and then working with a partner – laying it out that “in this position I feel helpless” – and then you work on improving it together. You workshop solutions, get frustrated, backtrack, make progress, and find new problems.

Someone asking you to be more vulnerable in a relationship is someone offering to help. Someone being vulnerable in your presence is someone, with their actions, saying they trust you not to misuse that information. Vulnerability is an offering of trust, someone asking you to be vulnerable is someone asking you to trust them, someone asking you to be vulnerable is someone asking to get into the mess, to be a sounding board. To be treated as a partner and someone with which you want to build.

Hiding your weaknesses doesn’t make them go away. There is a tactical reason to do it, for sure: We can never fix everything so when we are in competition the strategy is to do everything you can to not end up exposed. When you want to win you try and force your opponent into playing your game and to make them think that you have sured up every crack. But that is competition. A space where only one person can win. In training we don’t spend much time in our positions of power because we actually have confidence there. We own it, honestly. We are here to improve, not just to celebrate, and there are more useful things to spend our time on. See, we are not trying to beat our opponent, but to help our partner. To help, and be helped in return. We work on our weaknesses to improve our tactics and develop strategies to deal with the very real chance that we might end up there regardless of our wishes. We become stronger by inviting others in, by listening and practicing, and when we make a mistake we tap. We ask our partner to stop. We identify where we stopped improving and fell back into useless habits , and then we try again. We practice being better.

What the fuck do you think therapy is?

In jiujitsu, If you work on your weaknesses enough, they will improve. The window in which someone can capitalize on them gets smaller and smaller. The more advanced you are, even your place of weakness is pretty damn strong… but that is the result of doing the work. That is the reason to keep doing the work.

In the gym, feeling weak is the precursor to getting stronger. It is the message that leads to the adaptation. If you refuse to feel weak than you can never tell your body to get strong. “I don’t like feeling this way” is a crossroads, you can lean into it and try and understand what is going on, or you can flee. Avoid it. But avoiding it does not allow for a plan B. It doesn’t allow for a next step. It is a severing of that pathway of growth. And frankly, that seems like a big god damned vulnerability right there.

What baffles me is this strategy of avoidance will almost never hold up to even the most basic test. It doesn’t take much knowledge to spot a fake, these indivudials positions of “power” are predicated on the inexperience (and eventual indoctrination) of those under them. The McDojo style “our art is too deadly to actually practice which is why only the secret military uses it and they won’t tell anyone” bullshit. The fragility it screams is deafening – this kind of unearned confidence… well, there is a reason I used the term “adolescent”

In the off chance that algorithm works both ways and may serve up my work up to the men (because it is usually men) who would click on those articles: let me offer an admittedly oversimplified counterpoint:

The people writing those articles are not your friends. They do not have your best interest in mind. They don’t want you to get better – they want you to make them feel better. If enough people agree with them, like their post or sign up for their newsletter, then it is proof that they don’t need to change either. That society is wrong, that everyone else needs to change – not them.

The number of self described “lone wolves” who order uber-eats and use a laundry service would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking exhausting.

And don’t get me wrong: if you already feel weak or under attack, someone asking you to make yourself vulnerable seems like a terrible idea – but it makes me wonder about the environment you have made for yourself. What is that quote? “Before diagnosing yourself with depression make sure you aren’t just surrounded by assholes”? Something like that? It’s a big world out there, and some people are trash. Find out what you like. What makes you feel good. Then start asking questions..

The same is true for the things that make you sad or scared.

What do these things have in common? Is there a theme? What is my biology trying to tell me?

Because feelings are information. The neuro-chemical equivalent of flashing lights screaming that “this thing is important” So pay attention. Ask questions, and yes, allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to ask for help in figuring it out. Because understanding yourself is the surest path forward – because these surprises, these highly emotional responses to stimuli - they are a warning. Like realizing there is a block missing from your foundation, and if you don’t deal with it now then everything you build on top of it will be at risk of collapse.

To me, aggressive, unshakable confidence is a sign of either a grifter or an uncurious mind. Neither of which I would choose as a teacher. Openness to new ways of doing things, openness to being wrong about something – the confidence not in a brand or an ethos but in one’s own ability to deal with whatever comes… that interests me. Someone excited to bump into the edge of their knowledge and ability. Someone who is excited to find people more talented or more knowledgeable than themselves…

There is no skipping the work. Hell, the way I see it, skipping the work can never get me to the same place. So often the results that people are shooting for are only meaningful because of the work it takes to get them. That once the shortcut is exposed the entire endeavor becomes hollow.

Change and growth are the bread and butter of humanity. Adaptation and community are our evolutionary superpowers and they feed each other. Find people who you trust enough to be vulnerable around. Who will treat you as an equal, and worthy of investment. Of time. Of care. Of patience.

This has become a pure rant, but I want it to still be useful. Perhaps as some sort of letter to my 13 year old self, swimming in the shallow edge-lord waters…

In short, if anyone tells me there is a shortcut – a way to avoid the “hard” and get everything I want, I have to examine their motivations. In short: Am I their shortcut? If they are telling me to lie, to sneak, to take advantage of others… and I am supposed to believe that they have my best interest in mind? That they wouldn’t lie to me?

Hiding your weakness, in the long term, is more effort and less effective than working on it. Full stop. Refusal to expose and work on your vulnerability is effectively supporting and actively defending your liabilities.

I have heard a lot about the male loneliness epidemic, I have seen so many men who feel like they cannot share their problems or express emotion or feel cared for – and just about everything I see come across as being made for those individuals suffering doesn’t just reinforce that world view, but profits off of it.

If you want things to be different, you have to be different. It will be uncomfortable and take practice. It will feel like moving backwards at times. You will make mistakes. Like learning any skill, find people who are further down the road than you and ask for help.

Look for the Kind, curious, and capable.

Confidence can be a result of one’s position (and its advantages) – it can also be a a result of one’s experiences and ability. If you want to be more confident, you can either spend your energy getting into (and then defending) a dominant position, or building a skillset worth believing in.

You have probably met both of these individuals. I feel like I have been pretty transparent about which path I believe in.

Confidence in position is transitory, and should be defended. In short: it can be taken from you because you can’t guarantee that you will ever be able to get back there.

Confidence in ability is earned through challenge. Exposure is greeted with eagerness and curiosity – or at the very least understanding.

One path is quick, and is a direct reflection of luck or the power of the person who placed you there. It is limited because it lacks a pathway to advance, unless it was bestowed by someone higher up the food chain – in which your confidence is simply that you have the favor of your superiors, and the acceptance that your position is only as secure as theirs.

The other path is often slower, but is limited only by your own willingness (and ability) to work and to learn. This confidence is often carried lightly, there is no threat because if someone questions your position they are either wrong – which causes zero problems, or they are correct – which gives you an opportunity to improve. This is confidence in process – and the process is not something that someone can take away from you.

In 1984 George Orwell wrote “weakness is strength” as an example of doublespeak, and while “it takes strength to be vulnerable” is quite easy to draw parallels for the sake of argument – I am confident that reading the book will sort out which type of confidence he was warning against.

I implore you to think about the things you want.

Then think harder about why you want them.

Most of all, to think about how all those things make you feel, and what that means to you…

And to never forget that in matters of personal growth: a shortcut takes you someplace else.

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burkey - owner/operator of Station515 || ferndale, mi || www.station515.com || physical objects